Thursday, 15 March 2012

March 15, 2012 - Hope ???

dictionary.com defines hope as:
the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best
 
how many people are able to pinpoint the exact moment you lose hope.   Mine was between 6 and 630 on Friday, October 14th.   The moment the doctor came and told us they will be stopping trying to get my son's heart to beat, that his heart never beated from the moment the EMT worked on him.  That he was dead and wasn't going to ever take a breath again.  THAT was the moment I lost hope.  
 
My mission is life is to try to regain HOPE.   Regain the feeling that events will turn out for the best.   Regain trust that there is a purpose to life, that there was a purpose to my son dying.
 
I had a visit with an old friend of mine.   I talked and talked, my jaws hurts now and I'm tired.  I hadn't seen her since zach's death, being able to visit her.   We had a good talk about how events in our life will shape who we are.  How we are raising our children to have compassion, to not be selfish, how there are consequences to actions.  And how this is something I will have to learn to live with, that we instilled these values in our children and how my son was stolen while other children, well.......   It is hard watching the news, hard driving in certain areas of town at night, hard watching children that are ignored, that aren't being parented.   This is something that I will have to learn to live with.
 
How do I honour my son, how do I heal?  I contacted the Lung Association as Zachary had asthma from birth.   I am meeting with them to see how I will be able to help, how I can maybe help save a child's life from asthma.   I have also been asked by GASP to assist them with their website.  I will be talking to Sharron Grant and see where this will lead.
 
I mostly keep busy, mostly try to heal, but mostly I suffer each day with the loss of my son.  
 
 

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