Wednesday, 21 March 2012

Inspiration Comes in all Forms

Inspiration:  who inspires me?  I am inspired by those who want to do better for this world who haven't experienced trauma, I am inspired by those who want to do better for this world who have experienced trauma.   I am inspired by those who make this world a better place.   And I am inspired by those around me, who went above and beyond, what I ever thought was possible.

Some people are people who have inspired me.   Please don't take offence if I didn't mention anyone in particular.

First off, my brother Darren.   You have to realise, I was able to exist and live in my fog in the first two months following zach's death because my brother did everything for us.   He arranged the entire funeral, spent countless hours on the phone with the police and coroners, basically, he let me grieve while all details were done by him and michelle.  I would be a different person right now, without him and his family.

One of my friends Lana Peterson.  Lana inspired me because she was a relentless advocate in educating her town where she lives on the dangers of the choking game.
She faced many obstacles in her fight to inform the parents in her community so THEY wouldn't lose a child like I did.   Facing all the obstacles, she was relentless in her pursuit of saving another child.  Her community is lucky to have her.

A new friend I met since zach died, Erin Spray.  Erin is going to Parliament!  Erin lost her son Jaren 3 months before Zachary died.   She is fighting to ensure another parent doesn't have to deal with insurance, that we are allowed to grieve the worst loss anyone will ever face.  A paid year off, NO QUESTIONS ASKED.  It would be much easier to go back to her own world, but she is giving herself to help others.

And another friend since zach died, Leanne Thompson-Hill.  Leanne is assisting Erin in her journey to Parliament, as well, is helping organise Rayna's Day of Play.
Leanne also owns Tantrix tattoes.  Tantrix did mine and Sean's memorial tattoos for zach.  Her business is selflessly giving free tattoos to parents who have lost children.   Leanne inspires me because she has not lost a child, but has done above and beyond things to help grieving mothers.
On a side note, I'm getting ready for my THIRD tattoo!  This one will encompass all three of my children.

My cousin Cathy Beaven.  While the world continues on, Cathy continues to support me, sending me inspirational messages, asking me how I'm doing.  It is like she KNOWS, without her knowing. 

My epicure leaders, my other family, the women who have too lost children.   Margaret, Pauleen, and Tracey.   All three of these women surrounded me, protected me, listened to me.  Tell me and continue to tell me, there IS HOPE.  

I could continue on and on.  For now, I will conclude my short list of a very long list of people who inspire me.

Everything I do in this world, I now do for him.   My son is my hero, he is my inspiration.

Thursday, 15 March 2012

March 15, 2012 - Hope ??? defines hope as:
the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best
how many people are able to pinpoint the exact moment you lose hope.   Mine was between 6 and 630 on Friday, October 14th.   The moment the doctor came and told us they will be stopping trying to get my son's heart to beat, that his heart never beated from the moment the EMT worked on him.  That he was dead and wasn't going to ever take a breath again.  THAT was the moment I lost hope.  
My mission is life is to try to regain HOPE.   Regain the feeling that events will turn out for the best.   Regain trust that there is a purpose to life, that there was a purpose to my son dying.
I had a visit with an old friend of mine.   I talked and talked, my jaws hurts now and I'm tired.  I hadn't seen her since zach's death, being able to visit her.   We had a good talk about how events in our life will shape who we are.  How we are raising our children to have compassion, to not be selfish, how there are consequences to actions.  And how this is something I will have to learn to live with, that we instilled these values in our children and how my son was stolen while other children, well.......   It is hard watching the news, hard driving in certain areas of town at night, hard watching children that are ignored, that aren't being parented.   This is something that I will have to learn to live with.
How do I honour my son, how do I heal?  I contacted the Lung Association as Zachary had asthma from birth.   I am meeting with them to see how I will be able to help, how I can maybe help save a child's life from asthma.   I have also been asked by GASP to assist them with their website.  I will be talking to Sharron Grant and see where this will lead.
I mostly keep busy, mostly try to heal, but mostly I suffer each day with the loss of my son.  

Friday, 9 March 2012

March 9, 2012

Tonight we went out for supper with friends of ours.   One of the couples wanted to go to Rodeos to watch a friend play in a band.   As I'm sitting there I realize Zach will never get the chance to do anything he wants (like be a musician), ever, ever, ever.  I felt almost panicky sitting there, not knowing what to do about the feeling that had come over me.  

This will be my life, a lifetime of having moments like this.   Grandparents die, parents die.   You don't mourn what would have been with their lives because THEY GOT TO LIVE IT.  Your child, you mourn their life, what their potential would have been, you mourn what years they didn't get to live, their future they won't have, the children they won't kiss, the spouse they won't marry.   You don't do this with parents, grandparents.   That is the main difference between the deaths.   This knife in my heart for their stolen future will always be there, just some days are better, and some days, well, I don't know if I truly want to explain how bad the bad days are.

I think about my son every second of every day.   I recall when I yelled at him, didn't have patience with him, didn't take the time with him and each memories, is like the knife, going into my heart.   We are so busy sometimes, think there is always tomorrow, I will watch him tomorrow; play his x-box, I will tomorrow; take him to Shoppers, I will tomorrow........   We will never have a tomorrow again with Zachary.   I mourn my lost future with my son, every second, of every day.

Tuesday, 6 March 2012

March 6, 2012

13 years, 6 months, 1 day........   October 14, 2011

These days and this date will be forever burned in my life, i was going to say head but life is more accurate.   This is the day my son died, who was 13 years, 6 months, 1 day old, the day he died.   Zachary Dawson was born on April 13, 1998.  He was born one week before his due date, in only one hour from my first contraction to me holding him in my arms.   Maybe it is fitting his death was just as quick, painless, he died within 3 to 5 minutes.    My son never knew a day of heartache in his entire life, he had a happy life, he had FUN, he lived a very full, very fun, very busy, very eventful life.   This is why his death is so hard to take, he had SO MUCH MORE to live for.   So much more.

My brother Darren asked me for a picture of Zachary today.   Mentioned that there isn't one of him and Zach, and you know what, I think he is right.  Sometimes, we are too busy living life to take pictures.   No one thinks a healthy 13 year old is going to die.  Do we live to live, or live to die.   Do I recover from Zach's death, or die with his death.   I know those reading this will think the question has an obvious answer, with two surviving children.  But....   you have to understand, I WON'T see my son again, until I die, it is THAT simple.   If I was to say, you will never talk to one of your children again, you can understand my pain, at least, somewhat......  

I remember having zachary pose with my parents on his 13th birthday.  Not because i thought my son was going to die, but because i figured my parents wouldn't be around that much longer, they were born in 1940 and in 1945.    To have someone die who was born in 1998, i still have a very hard time even comprehending what has happened.

It is very hard knowing that this pain will never go away, that this is something that I will have to learn to live with, while most of the world, continues on.  Not understanding the pain of a bereaved parent.  Losing parents is not a comparable pain, they are SUPPOSED to die before you.  A child, is suppose to bury their parent, not the other way around.

I suppose this blog will let me heal, let me figure out a way to survive my son's death.   My son will always be talked about, he will always be kept alive with me, always. 

I have three children, one is forever frozen in time.  It IS that simple.