Tuesday, 12 June 2012

And now there are two

I had a dream about reading some great Facebook message. I couldn't remember it exactly. But something like life happens, you aren't chosen. My greatest conflicts come from thinking I'm chosen. That my son stolen from me. Our trip to Calgary reinforced Zachary is dead, forever. He lived in Calgary for two years. Every moment we were there this weekend, was so in my face, my grief, but thank god we moved. We had no family there, his life was a much happier life in Saskatoon, much happier. My son lived a very happy life. But is that enough???? The million dollar question. He missed out on everything I've experienced since we moved back to Saskatoon when I was in grade 8. From grade 8 til now, I'm turning 40. I don't know. Only the good die young seems like a slap in the face. So it got me thinking. My therpistic says that why drug dealers are still alive. Alcoholic. Abusers. So they are still alive because they haven't learned their lessons yet. So if they die never learning their lessons, is that who goes to hell? Our life is refined with two children, not three. It's very surreal living a new life. I still am in complete shock that Zachary is dead. I hear his voice crystal clear, I see him older in my mind. How do you accept you won't see your child until you die. Ah, it makes death welcome, no longer scarey. As I said at zachs funeral, don't cry for me when I die, I will be reunited with my son.

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