The one thing a bereaved parent will tell you is how screwed up time is. What was once very solid, a very known entity, is now altered. The ability to look forward and look backwards with anticipation, and with satisfaction, is no longer true. The very fact it has been since March since I blogged, tells you how screwed up my world is with regard to time, if felt like yesterday that I last wrote down words.
this is what I wrote to another bereaved mom on the eve of her daughters one year mark of her death (hugs to Cindy):
"I sometimes wake up, look at my wrist hoping the tattoo is gone, because that would mean my son is alive. I think about what has happened from now to the moments before my son died, wishing every snow flake, rain drop, whisper of wind, would return to what it was prior to his death, have the entire universe click back, undoing all its done to erase his death. I think about the future and how it is so different now. My future is marred with sorrow, despair, it no longer holds the hope it once did.
I think about my journey to share my sons journey, to save another child, when I would rather be at the rink watching him in goal. I think about my life's path, my hard path while watching other parents have an easy life with all children living.
This is just a fraction of what a bereaved parent has to live with compared to a nonbereaved parent. All our paths are different but all our paths are the same. We no longer have the innocence we once did when our children were born into this world. We all now embrace death, welcome it as a long lost friend and we hope for it sooner than later so we can hold our children again. Until then, we live, unbelievably."
I remember watching one of xander's hockey games, actually, the second one after zach's death. I watched the clock, the seconds almost seemed to move backwards, almost laughing at me. This is one of many examples I could share.
My perception of time is forever changed, and it, SUCKS.