march 14, 2013 - 17 months
17 months away from my child
17 months since my child last breathed
17 months since my child last smiled
and 17 months closer to FINALLY seeing my child again.
I get hope from other bereaved parents, who were at this point in their lives, 2 months ago, 2 years ago, 12 years ago, and they keep telling me, there is 'hope'.
I had posted this from a grief support group "How would your beloved one want you to live your remaining days? What would they whisper in your ear about why you're still here? Even as you grieve, know that life is to be lived. You will find a way to embrace life, with a hole in your heart, because that is what they would want."
An amazing friend of mine who lost a child years ago wrote on my fb wall to respond to the posting above, i hope this is okay i'm reposting here. It is messages like this that do give me HOPE.
"In time you will get to this point. It's something you move towards. But it doesn't happen quickly. It's those moments in days when you wholeheartedly laugh without remembering and you don't suddenly stop yourself anymore. It's when you give yourself the permission to go on - with joy. But it is in time it is not right away. And it isn't at this moment for you. Mine took years, most people I know it takes years. But it is there - it is something that you can have. Believe xo"
Now do i recover or not. I force myself each day to do things that push me on the road to recovery. When i think about people who chose not to have children, it makes me think that perhaps their own parents lost a child when that person was young, and the pain that they saw from the death of their sibling was enough to push any maternal instinct out the window, it was THAT PAINFUL to watch their parent go through it and never recover. I want my own children to make healthy decisions based on their own conclusions, not to be forced upon a path based on what I have chosen to do, or not do, because my son died. I can't control anyone else who is in my children's life on how they respond to zach's death, but I CAN control myself and my actions.
Each day, i wake up, happy to see my children, happy to have had another day with them. And each day, I am sooo grateful its one less day i have to be without Zachary.