Friday, 9 March 2012

March 9, 2012

Tonight we went out for supper with friends of ours.   One of the couples wanted to go to Rodeos to watch a friend play in a band.   As I'm sitting there I realize Zach will never get the chance to do anything he wants (like be a musician), ever, ever, ever.  I felt almost panicky sitting there, not knowing what to do about the feeling that had come over me.  

This will be my life, a lifetime of having moments like this.   Grandparents die, parents die.   You don't mourn what would have been with their lives because THEY GOT TO LIVE IT.  Your child, you mourn their life, what their potential would have been, you mourn what years they didn't get to live, their future they won't have, the children they won't kiss, the spouse they won't marry.   You don't do this with parents, grandparents.   That is the main difference between the deaths.   This knife in my heart for their stolen future will always be there, just some days are better, and some days, well, I don't know if I truly want to explain how bad the bad days are.

I think about my son every second of every day.   I recall when I yelled at him, didn't have patience with him, didn't take the time with him and each memories, is like the knife, going into my heart.   We are so busy sometimes, think there is always tomorrow, I will watch him tomorrow; play his x-box, I will tomorrow; take him to Shoppers, I will tomorrow........   We will never have a tomorrow again with Zachary.   I mourn my lost future with my son, every second, of every day.



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