13 years, 6 months, 1 day........ October 14, 2011
These days and this date will be forever burned in my life, i was going to say head but life is more accurate. This is the day my son died, who was 13 years, 6 months, 1 day old, the day he died. Zachary Dawson was born on April 13, 1998. He was born one week before his due date, in only one hour from my first contraction to me holding him in my arms. Maybe it is fitting his death was just as quick, painless, he died within 3 to 5 minutes. My son never knew a day of heartache in his entire life, he had a happy life, he had FUN, he lived a very full, very fun, very busy, very eventful life. This is why his death is so hard to take, he had SO MUCH MORE to live for. So much more.
My brother Darren asked me for a picture of Zachary today. Mentioned that there isn't one of him and Zach, and you know what, I think he is right. Sometimes, we are too busy living life to take pictures. No one thinks a healthy 13 year old is going to die. Do we live to live, or live to die. Do I recover from Zach's death, or die with his death. I know those reading this will think the question has an obvious answer, with two surviving children. But.... you have to understand, I WON'T see my son again, until I die, it is THAT simple. If I was to say, you will never talk to one of your children again, you can understand my pain, at least, somewhat......
I remember having zachary pose with my parents on his 13th birthday. Not because i thought my son was going to die, but because i figured my parents wouldn't be around that much longer, they were born in 1940 and in 1945. To have someone die who was born in 1998, i still have a very hard time even comprehending what has happened.
It is very hard knowing that this pain will never go away, that this is something that I will have to learn to live with, while most of the world, continues on. Not understanding the pain of a bereaved parent. Losing parents is not a comparable pain, they are SUPPOSED to die before you. A child, is suppose to bury their parent, not the other way around.
I suppose this blog will let me heal, let me figure out a way to survive my son's death. My son will always be talked about, he will always be kept alive with me, always.
I have three children, one is forever frozen in time. It IS that simple.
Dawn- this will be a huge step in your 'recovery' (or whatever this is that we are going through)... I especially appreciate that you point out how we are always too busy living to appreciate what we have in front of us. Friends of ours mentioned (after Reece passed) that they were happy that we had taken so many pictures and videos of her, for them to watch and share. Nowadays I find them painful to look at. But strive to get to a point where there's a balance between pain and remembrance.
ReplyDeleteHere's something I found earlier today that you might relate to: The Dalai Lama, when asked what surprised him most about humanity, answered “Man. Because he sacrifices his health in order to make money. Then he sacrifices money to recuperate his health. And then he is so anxious about the future that he does not enjoy the present; the result being that he does not live in the present or the future; he lives as if he is never going to die, and then dies having never really lived.” I think Zach actually LIVED. We can all learn from that.